Rob Pennington

By Dr Rob Pennington, Psychologist and award winning Author of Find The Upside of the Down Times: How To Turn Your Worst Experiences Into Your Best Opportunities.

Finding out ‘too late’, after you have already become involved or committed, that once again a man who is attracted to you is “the wrong man” is a very painful and frightening experience. Not only do you have to get out of this relationship as quick as you can, and with as little pain as possible, but you also have to start thinking about what are you going to do next time. How do you make sure the next guy isn’t another wrong man, but the right one? Here’s how.

1) Decide there are good guys alive on the planet who will also be attracted to you. Not knowing how to find the right man can make you settle for the wrong one. Please don’t. There are good men in the world, lots of them. If you don’t believe that, then what are you left with? Well, obviously only the wrong ones.

So you have to make the decision that no matter your previous experience, which in the grand scheme of things is probably limited to a relatively tiny group of small minded men (not the best examples of their gender wouldn’t you agree?), that somewhere there is at least one man (and maybe Billions) who is alive and on the planet today, who will be attracted to you, and you to him, and who will meet the requirements you have for Mr. Right.

If you have trouble believing this, if you have trouble realizing the odds are in your favor, then you absolutely have to read Sondra Ray’s powerful life changing book, Loving Relationships. It sure made a difference for me. Sondra is a psychotherapist who once worked with a woman who did not believe that a good, honest and right man for her existed on the planet! Out of the 3.5 Billion!! men – none were any good. And guess what? Every man she was involved with reinforced her negative belief. She did not know she had anything to do with the men she chose to become involved with. “That’s just the way men who are attracted to me are”, she would think. But once she realized she was the woman who decided to get involved with the wrong men, with men who did not meet a strong set of criteria for being a good “right” man, she realized that she was the one who could change what she believed and therefore the results she could produce. Please read this book. Do the exercises in the book. There is a right and good man for you.

2) Get clear about what your criteria for Mr. Right is, so you will recognize him when you see him. Or you will at least recognize quicker when a man isn’t him. If you don’t know exactly what you require of a man in many areas of life, i.e., how you share time, money, family, sex, hobbies, careers, friendships, if you don’t have clarity for yourself about what your expectations, specifically what is a requirement and what is a preference, how can you do anything but keep selecting the wrong man?

Keep doing what you’ve been doing
and expecting a different result will never work.

If you have difficulty with this step, take a look at a short video on my blog of me talking about my own relationship and my discovering the importance, the necessity, of defining what I require in a relationship. Because once I am clear with myself about what is required, meaning not negotiable, not debatable, then either I get that agreed to upfront or I’m quickly out of there. Everything else is just a preference. You need to know for yourself what you require and prefer in each of the areas of life listed above.

For instance, one thing I require is that the other person has demonstrated that they are willing to look at what they have to do with how they are feeling. If they don’t like how they are feeling, and they are not willing to be responsible for being the cause of their upset, then guess who they are always going to blame for how they are feeling? Me! Such a person is definitely not the right person for me. And I know it because of having become clear with myself about what I require.

3) Use your criteria for the right man to help you say, “No” to all the wrong men quicker – before you become involved. You just have to follow a basic law about how the universe works:

The faster you say “No” to what doesn’t work,
the quicker what will work shows up.

Women see a few things about a man they find attractive and they make the natural assumption that if this man is like this, i.e., cute, funny, successful and sexy, then he must also be kind, considerate and responsible. It is easy to project our ideals onto someone who meets some of them. But if you approach finding the right man at least with the same attention to detail that you do when selecting a new car you might have the same type of success at getting what you want.

With a car we spend time thinking about all the options, all the things that are important to us. We define our “must haves” (our requirements) as well as what would be nice (our preferences) if we can afford them. We have a budget. We have limits and expectations, requirements and preferences.

Women need to hunt for a man just like they hunt for the right car! And say “No” just as easily and quickly as soon as you find out that the man (or car) does not have what you require.

Rent a 17-minute movie from iTunes called Full Disclosure. It is a powerful model of what you could do in being clear, from the first date, exactly what you want and require. Dating services like Match.com or eHarmony.com have you define some of what you are looking for in a potential mate, but not as far as I’m suggesting you go and communicate and check out from the get go.

4) Be persistent. In my new award winning, autobiographical self-help book, Find the Upside of the Down Times: How to Turn Your Worst Experiences Into Your Best Opportunities!, (also available on Kindle and iTunes) I talk about the principle that “chance favors the prepared”. You have to do the groundwork to have “luck” help you produce the results you want. And you have to persist until you succeed.

Mr. Right isn’t going to come knock on your door. In fact, it is highly likely, because of the history of your patterns that you may have to go through turning down a number of Mr. Wrongs to have Mr. Right show up. So, the faster you persist in getting through some Mr. Wrongs, the faster your Mr. Right will becoming a permanent part of the rest of your life. It’s a law.

“I’ve been shot in the center of my chest with a 38 by an unknown assailant, fired, divorced and depressed, self-employed (which means permanently unemployed), audited by the IRS, and widowed after 10 years caring for the love of my live who died in my arms from multiple sclerosis. I speak from experience and education to provide practical tips for discovering the blessings in life’s challenges.”
- Dr. Rob Pennington

Blog: www.UpsideDownTimes.com
Twitter: @drrobpennington

Tired of attracting the wrong man?  Go to http://antoinettecabral.com to sign up for Antoinette’s Free Audio Series and find out why?

Tracy O'Brien

I realize that sounds totally weird, yet it is a strange but true fact that our nervous systems like the status quo.  If you grew up with a lot of turmoil and drama, it becomes familiar, and you tend to gravitate back to that in your adult life.  Without realizing it, you attract men who will put you back into that familiar emotional climate.

You’re not masochistic, and you’re not deliberately choosing a man who is mean or abusive.  It’s just a subconscious return to what feels normal – the tyranny of the familiar.  The good news is, now that you’re aware of it, you can change it.

Does he remind you of someone who treated you poorly in the past?  Do you find yourself making excuses for his behaviour, for his treatment of you and other people?  We all behave poorly at times, saying and doing things we regret, but when you see a pattern in his behaviour, watch ut.  Don’t ignore the warning signs just so you have someone you can call your own.

One of the most sure fire ways to break the cycle is to start loving yourself.  If you don’t love you and treat yourself with respect, why should anyone else?

Start to notice what you say to yourself, that inner dialogue that only you hear.  Are you saying things to yourself that you would never say to your best friend?  Are you “brutally honest” and harsh with yourself?  If so, you are showing yourself great disrespect.  That energy will be picked up by the people around you, and they will mirror it back to you.

There was a time when I thought I had “victim” tattooed to my forehead.  I couldn’t see it, but it seemed like everyone else could.  I’ve learned that others will see me and treat me as I see myself, especially men.

This isn’t something you will change in one night, but you can break the cycle.  I did.  I know you can, too.  Start by praising yourself for each and every little thing you do well.  Give yourself credit for even showing up and getting in the game.  As you build your self-esteem by noticing and appreciating the great things about you, rather than having a false and destructive “humility” that is little more than self-abuse, you will become stronger, more beautiful, more secure, more powerful.  You will become someone who attracts other loving, secure people into her life.

The other thing you need for this process is a partner in believing.  You need a friend, mentor, coach, someone who sees your brilliance and believes in you and the changes you want to make.  It is so easy to fall back into the vortex of the life you’ve known.  Having someone on board who knows the way out of the forest will make the journey so much easier.  And the new you will attract a man worth having in your life!

About Tracy

Tracy O’Brien is the proud mother of 3 girls, author of the upcoming book, Change The Hand You’ve Been Dealt, owner and CEO of Tuwanda Corp., a real estate investment company,  and O’Brien Prosperity System, a coaching company that takes clients from stressed and struggling to relaxed and prosperous in all 4 quadrants of life.

Are you successful at work, use your brain all day, but on a date, you don’t feel like the two of you connect?  Go to http://antoinettecabral.com to sign up for Antoinette’s Free Audio Series and find out why?